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My eldest daughter is beginning that season of moving from childhood to girlhood. Childhood seems like a long stretch, comparably, but oh it is still so short.

It wasn’t long ago when she was dressing up in frilly tutus and plastic dress up shoes. Now she spends more time pouring over books on writing, learning how to build robots, and writing endless stories.

This growth hasn’t come without some of the more difficult stages of mood swings and a battle of the wills. Last week we found ourselves in such a battle.

(FYI, I asked my daughter for permission to write about our incident and she OK’ed it).

My purpose in writing is not to harm my daughter or tear her down. But to enlighten others who may be going through the same thing and learn from each other. Trust me, I have a lot to learn when it comes to handling this stage of mothering and the tween years.

It started when I asked my daughter (who’s nearly 11) to go clean her room after breakfast. To me, it seems like a simple, straightforward request. But for her, it was overwhelming and unfair. So it exploded into a battle of screaming, crying, and threats.

I don’t handle estrogen well. I’m trying and I’m learning. But off the handle, I can pretty much end up sounding like a grown up tween.

I went to my blog at home mom’s Facebook group, where a group of about 50 of us collaborate daily on all things blogging and mothering. I asked for help, advice, support. These women were amazing and offered me immediate console and council. In fact, I told them all they should write blog posts sharing their wisdom with their readers and beyond. People (like me!) will be looking for it.

Based on their collective wisdom, I decided to take my daughter out that evening on a date to Starbucks. Just her and me and the Beautiful Girlhood book study. We learned about character building and oh how it was so timely in lieu of our little mishap this morning.

There is a lot more involved in shaping a child, than merely behavior modification. (This really goes for boys, too, but since I’m not there yet, I’ll write what I know thus far).

A child who doesn’t understand what she’s going through simply needs to be understood. My daughter, once she gets going, has a hard time stopping, especially if we keep threatening or piling on punishment. It often escalates the issues.

She is human and admits she deals with a selfish heart. She admitted this on her own. This helps me know how to pray for my daughter and really focus in my attentions on what needs help.

A selfish heart is really the root of all our issues, isn’t it? It’s at the root of my heart when I want my children to behave because it’s easier for me. 

But easy is not the life God has called me to. Striving for ease only robs me of the rich life God has for me. I must choose to invest. And there are seasons of motherhood when more is required of us–more time, more wisdom, more emotionally and mentally. I am finding that in this season.

So, once per week, my daughter and I will head out to Starbucks, do our Beautiful Girlhood study, and then write, side by side, with our laptops. Getting away from everyone allows us to have uninterrupted girl talk. One of the barrista’s overheard us talking last week and glanced a smile at me.

My daughter is worth investing in and rather then spend my one writing day alone at Starbucks, I choose to spend it with her at Starbucks. Yea, the coffee is a mite pricey, but it’s not just about the coffee. It’s the entire experience.

Our children need us to care and they need us to show them we care.

Do you have a tween girl who’s going through some changes that you are both struggling with? Might I suggest the Beautiful Girlhood study and weekly date night? If you can’t go out, lock yourself in a bedroom for an hour with a plate of cookies instead. Make it special, and just for the two of you.

my husband with our 4-year old in the ER

The last 5 days have been filled with sickness here. The type of sickness that keeps you on your toes. When one child after another catches it and there is little rest for anyone. While I’m caring for the one or two children currently sick, I stay on edge waiting for the next child who will get it. It’s especially hard at night because I don’t sleep, and neither do the children who are up sick all night.

These are incredibly tough seasons. Short, but tough. There is little else you can do other than take care of sick children because their need for mom escalates. So the house is left undone and meals are simple or take out. We become confined to the house to keep our germs to ourselves and rest to get well. It’s certainly my least favorite thing about the winter/spring seasons.

But, to be the one my children reach their hands out to for a comforting touch, to be the one who rubs the back of my sick child to comfort them in a most uncomfortable state, that is a privilege. There is no one who can comfort quite like a mother (or father). This is an opportunity to build an incredible connection with our children.

It’s an opportunity to be OK with letting the house go, letting the stress go, and just be still with your children, at a time in their young childhood when they need you most. These are the things they will remember.

I admit, it wasn’t until this sick season I am learning to embrace these moments. I always found it dreadful. It disrupts our schedule, it disrupts our comfort. Who likes that?

This year, sickness lead to some interesting conversations about God answering prayer. My six year old son, through tears, said he kept praying to God to feel better, but God wasn’t answering his prayer. As a mother, how do you respond to that? My husband and I both had a short, simple talk with our son about this.

We told him that God doesn’t always answer our prayers the way we expect that He will. That even if he does not feel better right now, God has not left him and He is there to comfort him.

Likewise, my ten year old brought up a very similar conversation with me about praying that she would not catch the germ because she has a fear of throwing up. I explained to her that God designed our bodies to function a certain way and that throwing up is not actually a bad thing, but a good one because our body is trying to rid itself of toxins. So, even if she got sick, it doesn’t mean that God didn’t hear her prayer or not answer her, but rather, that there is simply a different way then we would prefer.

How do we respond when we don’t get things the way we want them? Stop believing in God? Stop thinking Him good and the One who knows best? No. We respond with the opportunity to trust Him, and we pass this teaching down to our children. Enduring through a seasonal illness may not seem so big to us adults who understand there are worse things in life. But for a child who has yet to see and experience even some of what we have experienced, an illness can seem like a big deal.

These are one of the many moments that help build and shape our children’s faith. This is where we as mother’s have the ability to teach our children something important and true about God and His character. These are the moments that will later shape our children into who they will become based on their own identity in Christ.

This is how God uses mothers in such a crucial and unique way. We have the privilege of being a great comfort to our children, and a spiritual shaper of how they view God, according to His word. And it starts with small seasonal illnesses.

Don’t take the sick season for granted. Turn it into opportunity.

That’s what God is teaching me this week.

Have you ever considered turning a dreadful season into one of opportunity?

I’m over at Sarah Mae’s sharing about the gifts God has given us and how they’re woven throughout our lives, including our mothering. Being a mom does not make up the whole of our identity. It is a piece of the whole — Christ is our identity and when we embrace that, His character can overflow into every aspect of our lives. Read more here…

Today, I am so honored to share the voice of a dear friend and beautiful, godly woman with you. I met Kris at a blog conference a couple of years ago and her words have captured my heart. I hope she speaks into your life today as she has done mine. Oh, and of course you must follow her blog, Always Alleluia.

When the week piled up on me, and Friday rolled around I’d not once made it out of bed to exercise. It’s been months (oh, how that makes me cringe) since I’ve run and I can tell in every ugly way that my routine has gone slack. Friday morning before the sun and birds, I hear (and ignore) the 5AM alarm.

I have a hundred reasons why I choose sleep over sweat and the bed is warm–the house, still quiet. There’s no pausing this day, but with the covers piled up over top my face I stave it off a bit longer, and drift in and out of dreams for the next hour and a half.

Before long it’s their little voices I hear down the hall, in loud whispers that may as well be their normal voices, I hear, “Mommy’s sleeping”, and then footsteps, giggling by my bedside. I can fool them still. But there are others who know me better than that.

Hours later a friend calls to take my temperature and over miles and sound-waves, she hears my fine is not so honest and I suppose I should apologize for half-lying. I’m thankful for friends who know me underneath my false fine’s and Okay’s.

The truth is harder to tell some days.

I don’t want to be a whiner or complainer, or that girl who is always troubled and anxious, but the truth is, there’s a war raging here. I press in to the Word and before the dawn cracks her golden smile across the sky, I’ve heard hard words that remind me that this path I choose, it’s riddled with potholes to fall in, and boulder to climb over.

The cost of discipleship is what I’m talking about. This business of picking up my cross and following is so much harder than I imagined. The deeper I go into Christ, the more challenging (and rewarding) the journey becomes. There is no room for complacency.

A.W. Tozer said, “Complacency is a deadly foe of all spiritual growth. Acute desire must be present or there will be no manifestation of Christ to His people. He waits to be wanted.” Desiring God means we live an active faith, one that looks at a holey life and recognizes that grace can fill the holes. When we experience the fires that refine our faith, we can choose to go through the–to grow through them. ~Excerpt from Holey, Wholly, Holy: A Lenten Journey of Refinement

Motherhood is such a place of refinement–an unending tempering of my steel heart and my faith, bringing me lower, to learn to lift Christ higher.

I erroneously imagined motherhood to be some glowing place of rainbows and ice cream cones and ever obedient children. All these years into it, I’m wrestling with not only my children’s struggles against sin, but my own as well. We’re all working out our salvation as Christ refines and purifies our hearts.

I’m both teaching and learning grace among the scattering of too many toys and laundry that is never finished. The school work piles up, and there are meals to be planned and made and dresses to be repaired.

The weight of all this can crack a girl right up the middle.

And through all this we’re called to holiness. It’s a weighty calling at least. We are called to lay down our lives–and mothers, we understand sacrifice.

I thank God for the friends who understand how hard this road can be.

There is another companion who walks with us through the fire. Christ knows and bears our struggle:

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16 NIV)

There is purpose in the process.

It is not for our own glory we serve, but rather for His glory, that all might see Him in us, and praise Him rather than us ~ Holey, Wholly, Holy: A Lenten Journey of Refinement

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Kris

As a sequin-wearing, homeschooling mom of four, Kris is passionate about Jesus, people and words. When she’s not writing, she enjoys taking gratuitous pictures of her culinary creations on Instagram. Once upon a time, she ran 10 miles for Compassion International. She is the author of Holey, Wholly, Holy: A Lenten Journey of Refinement, and blogs at Always Alleluia.