It’s that legalistic Christianity. Sometimes it sneaks in, even when I don’t want it to. After a while, the grip begins to tighten and life is just slowly sucked away into the striving for perfection and acceptance. It’s not that I try to be legalistic. It’s not that I would outright confess, based on belief, that I need to perform in order to be accepted.

But, I begin to dig a little deeper and wonder why I feel so heavy, constantly. Why do I struggle to enjoy the life God has given me? When did I start believing I had to feel guilty for enjoying life through the mess? Not excuse myself for complacency  but learn more about grace and what it means to rest in it.

I’m not interested in being an uptight wife and mother; nor am I keen on being all carefree either. I just want to rest in Christ and be with Him. 

I just feel like there is a constant tug-of-war effect going on inside me. I want to be on the side of Jesus, not on the side of Law. I want to be on the side of relationship, not on the side of rules.

I want to enjoy my children and not worry about the mess left behind. I long to keep focused on the read aloud we’re engaged in without having my mind wandering to the mountain of laundry that awaits me. When did so much weight get placed on keeping the home perfect while starving the heart?

Why am I so worried about what everyone sees rather then focusing on maybe those things people won’t see–feeding the heart. Filling my soul with Jesus–filling my kids’ souls with Jesus. I need to train my heart to think on the eternal. To not worry about the mess when I’m in a place of teaching and reaching. The mess isn’t going anywhere. It’ll be there when I’m done.

I struggle so much with the “be all there” concept. And I don’t have an answer for how to change this mindset. I don’t know how I would turn this around, to be honest.

All I know is that I just want Jesus. I want to stop striving and start living. I want to start loving and stop lamenting. Just give me Jesus.

I can’t do it right–and I never will. But I can live a grace-filled life and have it pour over into everything else, transforming what I know. So this I pray,

“Satisfy [me] in the morning with your unfailing love, that [I] may sing for joy and be glad all [my] days.” Psalm 90:14

I don’t want to blow up minute issues (compared with some), but at the same time, these past couple of months have been quite hard and exhausting for us; physically and spiritually. I don’t like to blame Satan for every “bad” thing that happens. Some things just happen, I think. We choose what we make of it.

However, I do believe that Satan can wear us down with lies during times of hardship. Especially when they just keep coming. He can distract us from the things God is doing in our lives and have us focus on all the hard things we struggle to endure.

Instead, we are encouraged to rejoice in our sufferings.

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

I think God wants us to learn more then just a lesson during these times of struggle. These times build character and require that we press further into Him. It increases our prayer life (or at least it should). And sometimes, God is moving in mighty ways and these trials may serve as nothing other than a distraction. Anything to turn our attentions away from God’s work. Satan is a great deceiver.

We can struggle to focus on that which God has for us when we’re too worried about our circumstances at that moment.

We are in the final stages of our adoption and from a human standpoint, things could look rather bleak. But we must cling to God’s promise and pray through the remainder of the process. The other trials could very well distract us from praying and wear us down spiritually. The sickness, basement flood, knee injury (my 10-year old), spiritual heaviness, it is all taxing and distracting.

I am so weary to be honest. But I need to remember to remain connected to God through prayer and His Word otherwise I’m going to dry up and have nothing left. I’ll have no fight left in me.

When God calls us to something, we have a duty and responsibility to pray through it. Praying helps us to understand God’s heart for what He has called us to. When we pray against the schemes of the enemy, it can also help further God’s plan without delay or further trials that are just unnecessary and can be avoided through prayer.

It’s also important to remain connected to God in order to keep the right perspective. If we focus on the things of this world and how the world views them, we can easily lose heart. However, when we focus on the eternal things and how God would have us view things, it makes a huge difference in how we go about our days and how we pray. It impacts how we live our lives and how we raise our children.

When life presses down hard and Satan seeks to distract us, we must remain connected to God and not let fear or worry grip us. It will cloud the vision God has for us and the work He is trying to accomplish. Pray through the trials, but don’t lose focus of the main work He is trying to accomplish.

Is He preparing you for mission work? Is He preparing you for a family? A new baby? Adoption or Foster care? Whatever it is, do not forget to focus your prayers in those areas, even when trials come and seek to distract you.

God has been speaking heavily to me about many things lately. I’ve been really good about emptying myself into everything in front of me, but have failed to go to Christ consistently so He can fill me again.

Living my day to day life, always on the look out for the next lesson, has made me weary and quite parched. I’m tired of it and my blog is growing stagnant as a result. My blog was created to share the joys of life and learn to be sensitive to the Spirit through my writing, for me, and anyone else who happened to come across it.

But lately, I feel like it’s more of a place to write only when I have learned some new life lesson. As a result, it’s sitting for days with nothing written on it. Yet I am bursting with words I’d love to share, that maybe don’t reveal all the answers of a problem I may be struggling with.

For 10 days my family dealt with a nasty stomach virus. It put two of my children out of commission (aka sleeping on the couch) for a full SIX days. It also knocked my husband out of work for two straight days. When everyone was finally healthy again, we woke up to a flooded basement. First time in five years of living in this house we have ever encountered 3+ inches of water in our basement.

I was already so exhausted, I thought I might cry.

The mounting distress felt like an attack. Whether or not it was, it could still be used in favor of the enemy if we allowed it. We could grow weary and lose heart.

We could become so distracted by our circumstances that we forget to pray, forget to praise, forget to remember He is good. 

During the clean up process, God really equipped me to focus on what was right in front of me by helping me let go of other things. While that didn’t negate the fact that I was emotionally, spiritually, and physically tired, He helped me push through.

The next stage of our adoption process is nearly underway, and this particular stage is one of two major hurdles we have to get through before we can bring our two daughters home. It’s a part of the process that will require specific prayer and a bit of warfare. Satan hates adoption because he hates redemption. He likes things broken. He likes people broken. He will use whatever means necessary to keep them broken.

Using life’s unexpected turns is one way to distract us from praying and warring our girls home. Because I’ll be honest…between the sickness and the basement flood, I haven’t had much fight left in me. My energies were spent focused on what was in front of me physically, rather then the unseen, spiritual warfare coming.

The ground I walk upon has been dry because I haven’t been visiting with the Giver of Life to quench my thirst and fill me again. I’m literally running on empty, on fumes, and am not being a life-giver to those around me. I never thought I’d find myself in this place, to be honest.

I think what happens is it creeps in and you don’t realize it until you have nothing left.

I’ve been slowly digging into Colossians 3 using the Thirty Days of Bible Study for Busy Moms put out by Doorposts. I absolutely love how Pam Forster set up this study and it’s simple enough to replicate to create my own studies. But my mind has been such amuck that I’ve struggled to even concentrate for a few minutes on Bible study. All I can think about is what I need to do and it robs me.

So, I’m letting go of all the “have to’s” and replacing them with what I need to do.

• I need to spend regular time with God.
• I need to spend consistent time with my children.
• I need to be praying for my new daughters as they get ready to come home from Africa.
• I need to be reading to learn how to help transition our new daughters into a new family, new culture, new life.

I believe God brings us through seasons, and just because we move into a new season does not mean the previous season was not God’s will. It’s very likely that season was needed in order to move us into the next season. The key is to move when He calls us to move.

Is there some “have to” thing in your life sucking you dry that you need to release in order to make room for what you need? Is God moving you into a new season?

Linked with

Life in Bloom

Most days I really feel the weight of my own failures. Nothing major, so to speak. Just all the little things that add up. Such as not getting out of bed early so I can begin my day well. Or failing to read the Bible to my children–or myself. And going to bed with the house a wreck because I failed to keep on top of it throughout the day. In the midst of my own frustrations, of course I snap at my children several times throughout the day.

By the end of the night I wonder, “Is this really what life is about?”

Am I to live each day by the measure of my own failures and place my joy in that? Because if that is the case, my life will be lacking joy.

I breathe in deep and exhale the heaviness of my own yoke. I’ve bound myself to something Christ has freed me from; sin.

Sin is something I cannot help. That’s why God sent Jesus, right? Sin is so ingrained in my being, there is nothing I can do to get rid of it.

And I have a choice. I can choose to believe God’s word when it says,

Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us. Galatians 3:13

and

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1

Does this mean I can just act careless and do whatever I want? No, not at all.

You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature, rather, serve one another in love. Galatians 5:13

Indulging is a more intentional act of gratifying or satisfying the flesh. When I walk with Christ and I focus on my relationship with Him, it automatically pours out into my life because the Spirit lives within me. But when I try to do things backwards and toil over obeying the “law”, as it were, and I miss walking with Christ, I’ve missed the point.

I find myself having these conversations regularly. Because I forget and need to remind myself consistently.

I plan to write a bit more on my imperfect ponderings into my daily life. Sometimes it really helps to figure things out when I write it down. I don’t have all the answers and maybe writing that down will remind me to chase after the One who does.

Tonight, I am shifting my thinking away from tomorrow’s to-do list and of all the methods I have in my head to “get it right”, and I’m just going to focus on Christ and be lead by the Spirit. I want to love well so that I may live well. I don’t want to try to perform well and lose my joy, because I’ll never live up to the standard of getting it right.

And that’s OK with Jesus.

 Linked with Titus 2uesday.

When something unexpected happens and it seems as if the odds are stacked against me; against what God has promised, I start to wonder, to doubt myself and what I know God spoke to me and my husband.

But I must remember, my faith cannot be placed in the way circumstances may appear to me.

“Even if it seems impossible [to you], should it also seem impossible to me, says the Lord of hosts?” (Zechariah 8:6)

Prayer should never be used as a last resort or be treated as a secondary hope. Prayer is communication with God – communion with God. There is nothing greater than communion with God. He is the One who has the power to heal and change hearts. He should always be my first (and only) One to flee to.

No one and nothing can move like Him. No one understands like Him. No one loves like Him. Why turn anywhere else?

Hope is beautiful, but without communion — of intimate communication — with the who One offers hope, hope by itself is empty. What is there to hope in if not Christ? Everything good and true is from Him.

So, I search my memories and I recall what promises God has made and how often He fulfilled them – 100% of the time. Never once did He make a promise He hasn’t kept.

Even when circumstances look bleak, I shall not place my hope in them, but in the One who promised deliverance. He is able to do exceedingly more than even I can imagine.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

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