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As I continue reading Give Them Grace, I’ve come across a few things that I haven’t fully agreed with. Maybe because I don’t fully understand it.
Bear with me as I write it out to try and grasp understanding of it and maybe you can help shed some light on some of what I’m talking about.
The author gives an example of a brother and older sister playing Marco Polo in the pool and they end up fighting because the brother is cheating. The mother has a short talk with the brother about how cheating is not OK. He justifies it by saying, “But then I’ll never win because I’m younger”. The mother replies that cheating is wrong and leaves it at that. OK, fine. But then she turns to the eldest daughter, who kept the “rules” of the game and proceeded to chastise her for about 3 times as long as she did the younger brother for being angry with her brother for “breaking the rules”.
I agree that anger should be addressed, but the sole chastisement was on the fact that she wanted to be a “rule keeper”.
The story conveys that the “rule keepers” are the ones in need of the most chastisement. It never addresses why the older sister is apt to be a rule keeper but that clearly “there is something more important then the rules”.
If the rules weren’t so important, why did Jesus have to die because we failed to keep them?
I’m not saying we’re saved by the law, we are not. But the Bible is clear about working out our salvation with “fear and trembling”. Repentance is key to salvation. Without repentance, we cannot know we’ve broken the rules and need Him. But the law wasn’t abolished; it was fulfilled by what we could not. We are still called to obey–not to be saved, but because we are saved. If we went on ignoring what Christ died for, we have no sacrifice left for our sins because we’ve trampled the blood of Christ.
Does that mean we should never mess up? No. It does mean we are called to repent when we do and move forward in Christ. Not live a lassiez fare life or even careless life, forgetting what Christ died for. His Spirit is what works in us to walk out our faith and grow fruit. The law comes down to two things: love God and love your neighbor. These are encouraged throughout the whole of Scripture as being evidence of a child of God.
But don’t minimize sin. It’s what Christ died to save us from. We should want to flee from it. On the other hand, if we are following a set of rules out of legalism, (the belief that our works will save us), we are on dangerous road. But if we are acting out of the love Christ has for us, and simply can’t help but obey or want to obey, there should be no chastisement over that.
So where does grace come in?
Grace catches us when we fall. And we will fall. But it’s not there for our advantage. Extending grace to our children is vital, but repentance is just as vital. If a child doesn’t understand the weight of sin, he/she will not understand the beauty of grace, or the need for it.
There is a little tweaking in this book that rubs me the wrong way in areas, which is why I find it important to discuss here. I continue to press on because I’m waiting for the ultimate “point” of the book to be made. It seems the author is trying to build a foundation of what grace is and what it looks like. In light of that, however, it makes it appear that obedience is not [as] important. The book glorifies grace covering sin over the desire to be obedient. In some parts, it suggests that anyone who wants to “follow the rules” have it all wrong and are walking in law, not grace.
I find that to be too much of a blanket, because that is not always the case. People who may appear to be “rule followers” might actually be walking in the Spirit, and going where He leads. To tell them that they are being “too righteous” (even though I would never label myself or anyone else that) is to say what?
Not everyone who desires to be obedient is a Pharisee. Some are David’s. This is an important heart issue we each must get to the root of, personally.
Legalism
A good gauge for knowing if you’re in legalism, is if you expect everyone to follow every “rule” you do — and if they don’t, do you judge whether they are going to heaven or hell based on these rules? We must be careful not to add man made laws or rules to what God has called us to. The point is, we can’t do it without Christ. And without Him working in us, any works we do are dead anyways.
Conclusion
What I think the author is trying to get the reader to understand, is that our children need to understand that their good behavior or “good works” (or our “good parenting”) isn’t what brings them into right relationship with Jesus. That’s the bottom line. Unfortunately, it seems as if she has to take you through a long trail of things “not to do” in order to get you to that point. And without knowing the “point” ahead of time, it can really make it look like the rules don’t matter at all.
The book, Give Them Grace, is written from the perspective of parents who believe that good parenting produces good kids, and therefore are assured salvation, when in fact it doesn’t work that way. Our children’s salvation isn’t based on anything we do. But I do believe our children can be lead astray by what we fail to do to guide them. That doesn’t mean God can’t redeem–but we do need to heed His voice and walk in obedience, too.
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I completely agree! The Bible calls us to remove ourselves from sin. God’s word calls us to sanctification. Obedience is important. Nowhere does God’s word give us license to sin. The difference between living under the law and under grace is a heart matter, but I believe we are still called to obedience.
I totally agree! I also kept trudging through the book waiting for the ultimate point and finally decided that some parts were great but overall it wasn’t the book I’m stemming my parenting on. The author also chose to blast some other very well respected parenting experts and she seemed to take their quotes out of context and twist them to work in her favor. I have read several of the other authors that she refers to (only if you find them in her notes in the back of the book) and I believe they would whole heartedly disagree with how she used their words. Its okay though, some books I just can’t agree completely with.
While I don’t agree with everything in the book, it did renew my commitment to parenting with the gospel always in view. And I have to disagree with your last paragraph-summary, “that good parenting produces good kids, and therefore assured salvation”. The authors explicitly say the opposite, that only grace saves our children, not our methods or efforts or even our prayers.
I appreciate your thoughts on the book, as they are helping me sort out some of the questions I had after reading it. I don’t fall for it hook, line, and sinker, but I was able to glean some good stuff.
I simply said the book was written for people who believe that and it is in fact false.
Hmm… This book is coming to me in the mail, and I was so excited to read it! Maybe not so much anymore… I agree that it is important to remember that the Law is a tutor to lead is to Christ, and so it is important. Not as important as Christ and the work He completed, but important. I was hoping this book would help me get past my huge emphasis on deeds and behavior and that being where it ends. My children would benefit from more of an emphasis on WHY, in light of the cross. And I would benefit from less pressure on myself to produce righteous children. : it just dawned on me that, even after Christ died, we were given instructions on how to deal with a brother caught in sin, or who has sinned against us, and that is to address is – in love, in humility, with gentleness. The rules matter. :)
Sarah, don’t worry. I still think it has a good message about grace. Take what you need and let the rest fall to the ground.
Sometimes, I think it’s good for us to read things like this, to help us understand our own faith better and why we believe what we do.
I’m very interested in hearing your thoughts, so please do share (either on your blog or come back and leave a comment)!
I just downloaded to my kindle this week… I was so excited to read it… now I am a little nervous. I will read it cautiously… thank you for your input and your honesty!
Use it as a learning experience and growth. It is not all bad, don’t worry.
I’ve gotten to some better parts since writing this post that I look forward to sharing. 
i have not read nor even heard of that book, but have had similar scenarios as the brother and sister in the pool happening at our house. and while i do chastise both parties (the rule breaker must also apologize), the “law abider” gets chastised for the attitude… not for wanting to play fairly. because rules DO matter. and while the law abider is thanked for doing right and encouraged to always try to keep the rules and play fairly, i try to take every opportunity to teach extending grace through our attitude more than actions. (make sense?)
Have never commented before, but had to jump in here when I read this post (I do follow through RSS). I will say, I was very hesitant to purchase, but…I have loved it. It has been a much needed dose of truth for my husband and I. I know the exact chapter and scenario you mention–and it’s actually been my favorite part so far. We happen to have children VERY similar to her scenario and can attest that the rule-following one can fool Sunday School teachers, adults, and even oneself, into thinking they have it all figured out—but the heart is not there yet. It has been an eye opener for us–we HIGHLY recommend it. Now, we also love “Shepherding a Child’s Heart”, so maybe if you don’t care for that one, you may not appreciate Give Them Grace either.
Thank you so much Elizabeth for your input! I do like Shepherding a Child’s Heart — I think the approach is just different, perhaps.
I don’t all out disagree with Give Them Grace — I think I just need further clarification on some of the points and scenarios. To me, (and this is just to me), and seemed as if the author’s were struggling to get their point across. It left me confused in some areas. That’s why I wrote out my thought here to share with others.
Hoping that writing would help me organize and the community could give me other insights and clarity. So thank you for sharing your perspective! 
I so appreciate you “giving me grace” in my sharing! And I really love your blog–the Lord has used it many times to challenge, convict and minister to me. Blessings to you and your family!