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Today’s post is written by Crystal Stine, my guest here today. 
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I don’t always recognize the woman I see in the mirror. How did she get to this place? Who is she? What is her purpose in life? Motherhood has done that, stripped me of my former identity that felt so sure and right and easy.
I was happy to be defined by my job, my education, my marriage, my volunteering. What others thought of me mattered. Still matters.
But I took their opinions of me, good and bad, and made them who I was.
Good worker
Princess
Encourager
Difficult to work with
Bad friend
Daughter
Wife
It was easy to breeze through life in that armor, dressed in the perceptions of others, happy to let my experiences and the people in my life define me. It was easier than facing the truth, easier than taking time to listen to God and do the work to transform into the kind of person He wanted me to be. Who He created me to be. I lost my identity the moment my daughter was born. All of it. I became “mom” to all the doctors and nurses. It took the nurse at her first pediatrician’s visit nearly 30 minutes to ask my name and even still they simply call me “mom” when we visit.
The period of mourning the loss of who I used to be has not been easy. It has been a road of struggle, tears, frustration, depression, loneliness, and stress on my marriage and it continues to be a journey. In my mind I constantly wonder, who am I? What purpose does God have for me now? Becoming a mother has rocked my happy, easy world.
Is it worth it? Absolutely. My daughter has taught me the art of experiencing the present in a way no one else ever has. I know joy, daily, because it is how she views the world. The sheer terror, however, of realizing that God has trusted us to raise this child into the daughter He created her to be is the thing anxiety attacks are made of. I can’t even figure out who God wants me to be and now I am responsible for this beautiful child?
But if God trusts me to do this, then shouldn’t I trust Him to not leave me alone? And what if, in giving me this blessing, He is doing the parent-work Himself in my heart, transforming me into the definition of daughter/wife/friend/mother that He knew all along I would be, but couldn’t become until all world-armor was stripped bare.
And now, in the simplicity, I can be still and wait for God to open doors, to show me where He wants me and how to use His gifts for His glory. While I wait, I think I must just watch this little girl of mine give a big gummy grin into that mirror and enjoy knowing that we are His, and that is all my heart needs to know right now.
Crystal Stine has a heart for encouraging women through the written word. She blogs at Shine where you’ll find posts about motherhood, marriage, friendship, God and more. Crystal spends her days working at a bank as a project manager and marketing officer and manages the worship band Stars Burn Down. You can follow Crystal on Twitter at @CrystalStine.
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”But if God trusts me to do this, then shouldn’t I trust Him to not leave me alone?” So true, but so hard to live in each day!
Great post! I know what you mean. Moms often struggle with this. God has a special plan for us and has you right where He wants us. As well as other moms…we can be world changers by raising our little ones for Him.
Beautifully said!
Crystal – beautiful words.. I want to encourage you that it seems as if there is no need to wait to see where God wants you to use your gifts… HE did that the moment He blessed with with your sweet baby girl.
Thanks for sharing your heart Crystal. I think it’s important sometimes for moms to hear from other moms and know that the transition to motherhood isn’t always just natural and smooth. As women, our identity can be wrapped up in a lot of different things depending on our season… I think you do a beautiful job of capturing this wrestling for new moms. Thank you!
Thank you Shannon! It’s not always pretty, but it’s always worth it
I enjoyed reading your heartfelt thougnts on the journey into motherhood
As we grow and change, you are so right that our perception of our own identity changes too. Children truely are a blessing and a reward from God, our Heritage from the Lord! As we yield and settle into the new role of “mom” and into raising our children, we gain so much insight on being His Child and trusting Him to be a GOOD FATHER! Thanks for sharing!
Chrystal, thank you for sharing your heart. One thing I have noticed is that many people greet and talk to my baby instead of me… or at least first. I don’t mind it too much because it’s a nice buffer in social circumstances, however, I know some moms are very offended by it. I try to say hi to mamas before cooing over their baby. I hope this helps the moms feel valued as a person.
p.s. Sorry about the typo in your name! I didn’t catch it until after I posted my comment!
Jenni – no worries about the typo! I’m a twin, so I’m used to not only all spellings of my name, but being called the flat out WRONG name
Just yesterday we had one of Madi’s daycare providers see us at a local greenhouse and spend the entire time talking to her & not really looking at us! Good for you for making the effort to do it differently!
Crystal, I am expecting my first baby (at 35), and your post has brought me to tears because it explains exactly what I’m feeling. Some days I find myself mourning my “old life” then feel guilty because I’ve wanted this baby since I was like 10 (not literally, but all I wanted out of life was to be a mom). Now I am scared to death. How was I chosen? I’m so screwed up! But it is all Him. Other things in my life I could take credit for under the facade of me. But not this. It’s too huge, and it’s all God. Thank you for making me feel less alone and more normal today.
Sweet Brenda, first, congratulations! Second, know that I will be praying for you! You are definitely not alone. Once I’ve shared with other mamas how I’m feeling, like one foot is stuck in the old life and one in the new, they’ve all shared that they were there or are there, too. God doesn’t make mistakes when He chooses us to be the mom’s of our littles – He’ll be with you through it all! If you need an extra bit of encouragement, check out http://www.motherletters.com
Thanks, Crystal, for your vulnerability in this post! For me, the transition from 0 kids to 1 was the hardest, because I felt such a change in my priorities, and I felt confusion in my identity and calling. I’ve found that continuing to dream after becoming a mother has been really important. (My kids are a part of my life’s dreams. But they aren’t my only dream.) It’s helped me stay thinking outside of just ‘these days’ (which are beautiful) and pursuing God’s vision for my life, not only as a mommy but as a Christ-follower.